


You and I are dangerous

by jiyongsfreckles



Series: I was born and I met you and I've loved you to death [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, M/M, Nyongtory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 21:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15615297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiyongsfreckles/pseuds/jiyongsfreckles
Summary: I'm new to writing so I'm trying different things and this time I wanted to write something a bit more serious and angsty.





	You and I are dangerous

“Seungri, is the world ending?”

Seungri groaned as he listened to the person on the other side of the phone. The first time Jiyong had asked Seungri that question, Seungri’s heart had nearly stopped and he had been worried to death about his leader. That time Seungri had driven to Jiyong’s house only to find him passed out on his couch. In the morning, his hyung had seemed his normal self. Tired and as if he had lost a part of his soul, but those were just occupational hazards.

Ever since then Jiyong had called Seungri at least a dozen times, and always asked the same question. It still worried Seungri a little, but a lot less when he was woken up from a nap - Seungri rarely took naps - only to be asked what seemed to be more of a rhetorical question to Jiyong.

“Seungri-ah, where are you?”

“The world isn’t ending hyung” Seungri sighed “I’m home, where are you?”

“The US, I think”

Ah, thought Seungri, that explained it.

Jiyong was on the other side of the world, doing a world tour alone, and although Seungri had never been in that position, he knew how lonely his hyung must feel. His leader had been doing performance after performance, in various continents, and not only was that physically tiring, it was also mentally exhausting… and dangerous.

The hours after a concert could be really depressing and that’s why Seungri always made plans after their shows. He went out to meet friends, people who didn’t know, who had no clue, how lonely it was. You went from being with thousands of people who would scream your name at the top of their lungs, promising to always be there for you, to an empty room, where you would lie on your own in the dark, still able to hear the deafening screams. Millions of people loved you, but at the end of the day no one was there, you were in a room full of ghosts, full of what felt like empty promises and you were alone.

So Seungri would go out to meet friends instead, he would drink, party, occasionally pick out a target in a room full of purple, blue and pink lights, and he would dance till he could no longer hear the crowd professing their love. Yeah, Seungri knew how lonely it was.

“Hyung, are you okay? What time is it there?”

“That doesn’t matter” Jiyong let out a long sigh and Seungri waited. “I felt free today Seungri, for the first time in a long time. I walked the streets and” Jiyong let out a chuckle “someone bumped into me, “fucking tourists” they said. I wasn’t G-Dragon this afternoon. I was me, Kwon Jiyong. I miss being me”

Jiyong kept talking about his day and about the good days he'd had despite being so tired during his tour. Seungri listened attentively and not for the first time he thought that Jiyong's voice was incredibly soothing.

There was something in the way he talked that drew you in. It always felt like you were being witness to Jiyong's undiluted thinking process and that you reached a conclusion along with him once he was done. It was in the way he would nod at something he'd say, the way he tilted his head to the side in thought and the way he'd purse his lips. Seungri could totally picture Jiyong in that moment. He was probably gesturing with his hands -Jiyong always talked with his hands- cracking his knuckles or playing with a ring he was wearing. 

“Oh, I also went to a park and I lay down on the grass. I looked up at the clouds, floating around. It made me feel happy, hopeful. They reminded me of you maknae. I wish you were here.” Jiyong admitted, almost in a whisper.

Happy. That was how Seungri felt at the confession... but then he felt like screaming. He waited a bit before speaking. 

“Hyung-”

“Do you remember that time you cried in my arms for almost an hour?” Jiyong interrupted him and Seungri felt a pang in his chest. “You cried for so long because I was stupid and let you down. I hated that I hurt you. I don’t want to let people down again. But sometimes being G-Dragon just feels so heavy. So I just want to be Jiyong. But so many people depend on me, on G-Dragon”

“Hyung, sometimes you need to put yourself first. This album is a huge step. You’re letting people see a part of the real you, and they love you even more for it. Be you, be whoever you want.  _Just because you don´t exist the world won’t crumble. Live for yourself_.” Maybe the words came out with more intensity than what Seungri intended, but he hoped he got the message across.

Silence. At last there was a long exhale.

“Lee Seunghyun, I love you”

“I love you too hyung” Seungri said through a lump in his throat.

“Maybe the world isn’t ending after all. And even if it does, we can create another one. One for just us. Good night Seungri”

Jiyong hung up the phone before the maknae could say anything. He had wanted to tell him he wished they were together too… but probably those words didn’t mean the same thing to him than to Jiyong.

_Again tonight, underneath that blue moonlight I will probably fall asleep alone._

_-_

Alone in his hotel room, Jiyong sipped his glass of wine. He lay down and just like many other nights he started thinking about the past. And of course thinking about the past meant thinking about his members, but the one who stood out the most was Seungri.

He had hated his guts when he first lay eyes on him... except that wasn’t exactly true, he could admit that now. He had hated the  _idea_  of him, an ambitious child, albeit talented but with dreams too big for him. He’d been nothing special, the world was filled with people like him, hell, Jiyong had been one. But he and Youngbae had trained for so long, they had built a friendship and even back then they knew it would last till the day they died. They thought they only had each other and they had made plans to face the world together, just the two of them. But suddenly they had been paired with Seungri and three other people.

Everyone kept telling Jiyong that what he hated were the circumstances but for whatever reason, Jiyong had been convinced he hated Seungri more.

_Some people hate you because of the way other people love you._  Yes but sometimes some people hate you because of the way  _they_  love you.

Jiyong had pretended to ignore Seungri, he thought the worst thing he could do to him was show him indifference.

_“Hyung, have you eaten?”_

_No answer._

_“Hyung, which shirt do you think looks better?”_

_Jiyong would leave the room._

_“Hyung- hyung-hyung...”_

_But not a word from Jiyong._

This had gone on for about three months until Jiyong couldn’t keep pretending. The truth was that Jiyong’s eyes would always be on Seungri, watching, but careful not to be caught. There was something about Seungri that made it impossible to ignore him. So Jiyong kept observing him until one day the hostility in his gaze had been replaced with curiosity and eventually it had given way to admiration. Seungri had been so young, but full of confidence and determination. In Jiyong’s eyes, Seungri was no longer only another ambitious kid, he was special. He was Jiyong’s maknae and Jiyong was finally ready to be his hyung.

_“What time is it on today?” were the first words Jiyong had directly spoken to Seungri._

_At first Seungri hadn’t realized Jiyong had been talking to him, even if he was the only other person in the living room. He had been watching a show and the preview for a drama had come up. Surely that’s what Jiyong was asking about._

_“Ah hyung, it’s on at 8.30” Seungri answered and it was evident that he was proud of himself for not stumbling over his words._

_Seungri looked at Jiyong full of happiness and hope, with just a trace of confusion. As Seungri kept staring at him, Jiyong could feel himself blushing. He cleared his throat._

_“Call me when it’s time” he told Seungri before leaving the room._

So they had watched the drama together and by the end of it, they had become inseparable. Then Jiyong had discovered his favorite hobby: teasing the maknae. There was nothing that brought more joy to Jiyong’s life than teasing Seungri.

If for the rest of his life the only things he could do were make music, hang out with the members and tease Seungri, then he would have lived a happy life… or so he thought until they debuted and people started noticing the way Jiyong and Seungri were around each other. Talks about “nyongtory” started surfacing and suddenly Jiyong began realizing there was more to his feelings for Seungri than what he originally thought. Then Seungri started being careful around Jiyong.

Jiyong got up to refill his glass of wine. He didn’t want to keep thinking about Seungri because he knew that if he did, the horrible memories would come back to haunt him.

He tried texting Youngbae but got no answer. He called his sister but she didn't pick up the phone. He started playing games on his phone but he suddenly felt a headache coming in. So he just kept drinking...and eventually the one night he wanted to forget the most started flashing before his eyes.

_“But hyung, there will never be someone like you for me…. someone like me for you”_

_“Seungri I don’t love you. Not like that”_

_“Hyung, I know it's scary, I'm terrified myself but denying it won't change a thing”_

_“I'm sorry I gave you that impression but I love you like I do the others. You're just younger and I feel protective of you, but I don't love you like that”_

_“You seem fearless on stage but you’re nothing but a coward”_

_“Fuck you”_

_“Why, why did you have to go ahead and kiss me and make fall for you if you were only going to give up on us before you ever gave us a chance?”_

_“What almost happened between us was a mistake. I was just… curious, and you were a willing body.”_

No matter how hard he tried, Jiyong could never forget that night, the night he had made Seungri cry with his cruel words. With lies. He had seen on Seungri’s eyes that he hadn’t entirely believed him, but his words had still hurt him. That awful night Jiyong had felt a sense of desperation he had rarely felt before. He hated himself and this world, a world that wouldn’t allow him to be happy. But so many people were counting on him, he couldn’t put his happiness, not even Seungri’s happiness, above everything else.

_Because you and I are dangerous, I am leaving you._

_-_

After that terrible night they hadn’t seen each other for a while.

Seungri had allowed himself to accept reality and even tried to understand Jiyong. He still avoided him like the plague though. He started spending more time with his other hyungs, mainly Daesung. Daesung was fun and reliable. In real life he wasn’t as cheerful as he was on stage, he was more quiet but still incredibly witty. One day Daesung admitted to Seungri that even if he was younger, Seungri was an inspiration to him because of his outlook on life. Seungri just stared at him, and he couldn’t remember a time he’d been so moved.

This made Seungri start reflecting on his own life and he decided to do the one thing he had always wanted to do. It had always been a dream of his to do something that could help others. So he decided to try and start businesses that would provide jobs to young people. It also made him feel safer about his own future. And a part of him also wanted to be successful in ways  _he_  couldn’t be, though Seungri didn’t like admitting or thinking about that too much.

When Jiyon started dating, Seungri didn’t cry. He felt empty inside but he decided it was the thing he needed to let go of any hope he could have still harbored in his heart.

Even when Jiyong broke up with her, Seungri didn’t feel any relief. He knew Jiyong would never risk everything he had worked for since a young age for Seungri. Seungri’s love wasn’t enough for Jiyong. He had accepted that.

_It hurts too much, but now, I’ll call you a memory._

Jiyong was more one for self-destruction. He had spent the next few weeks after the fight drinking, not eating, not taking care of himself and writing lyrics. Words were an interesting thing. Powerful.

Some people said that saying something made it real and it was true. But Jiyong had realized that the opposite was also true. Whenever he was feeling something and he tried to put it into words, when he tried to untangle the mess that were his emotions and lay them neatly next to each other so he could put a name to each one, he sometimes stopped having those feelings. Catharsis was a great thing.

But that time it hadn’t worked. He had written his feelings down in the form of a song. But it wasn’t good enough. So he left it Untitled.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new to writing so I'm trying different things and this time I wanted to write something a bit more serious and angsty.


End file.
